Monday, December 6, 2010
Recently there's been so many things running through my brain, all the time. I never let anyone in on my thought, not even my babyboy who's been to closest to me since we've been together. I don't know what's gotten into me but i suddenly feel this overpowering need to spill; to take something off my chest. Perhaps this has been the reason why I've been getting sharp pains in my chest more recently... cause it seems like I've been stressing over these things subconsciously.

I never really told them anything and it doesn't seem like they care. Since the start of Sec 3, when I've gotten separated from my best friends going into different class and different subjects, I've lost interest in going to school as a whole. School just didn't seem as fun as it used to. (Think: Bad attendance.) My bad attendance made it such that we all drifted apart, but they themselves bonded as more of a whole. Then going into Secondary 4, the gap with my friends seemed to widen, more than it already was. Besides talking to them in school we'd never contact one another. One being that we were really different types of people: I'm the vain bimbotic type that likes dressing up and makeup, whereas they could just go out and go crazy in the public. I wouldn't be asking them out and neither would they be including me in their plans. I just felt like i wasn't a part of that circle anymore. From then i dreaded going to school. My attendance dipped even worst and I just didn't care about going to school anymore. I'd rather be spending all of my time with the Boy because he makes me happy, and I'm happy being with him and spending time with him, and because i could be myself with him and know he wouldn't judge me. And when I'm with him, he seems to have this ability to drain away my attention from everything that's on my mind, and keep me happy.
Then there was this once, i had a big fight with the boy. I broke down really bad and called vien who had used to be my bestie. I spilled out alot of stuff to her, things I'm going through and felt. and she told me that Khai, too, thinks I didn't want to go to school because she thought I felt like i didn't belong, she was right. I don't even know remember how things came to be like this with my friends and i really missed the times we had back in Sec 1 and 2. Now, seeing them go out frequently and all makes me feel.. blah. I don't even meet up with Charmaine (whom i'd always meet even if I don't go to school. She's always be there for me, even when things are rough for her) anymore cause of other reasons I don't feel comfortable spilling out. Dear Santa, can you bring my friends back?

Because of yet other reasons, I've been really lacking in the finance department. B's helping me right now by paying for alot of my stuffs, but i don't feel good about it- precisely why I've been trying to look for a job lately, even if it means less time to spend with him. I don't want to be seen as using him as my bank while i slack and laze off doing nothing. I want to return him the money he's spent on me during this period, and buy him something nice for Christmas.

Managing my time.
This has always not been my strong point. I've always failed to prioritise properly and end up screwing my life up more than it already is. I guess I've been living a facade by avoiding the tough topics in my life but now, even by posting this, I'm facing up to them. I want to balance my life properly so that i can keep everything maintained and I can really feel great about everything in my life.

I hate this. There are so many people going in and out of my life. People in general. I wouldn't name categories (Eg. Family) but i extremely hate hypocrites. I hate people who are bitching about me behind my back thinking i wouldn't know, then turn around to face me as if we're best of friends. No, i hate people like this. I hate people who act like they're okay with me, but in actual fact dislike me. If i treat you as my friend, then i mean it. Friendship comes deep within the heart and it isn't easy. It's making me find it harder and harder to trust people and find people to confide into. But thank god for B, Charmaine, Xinyu and Yolanda. These are the people i know who will listen to me, no matter how much i whine and gripe. These are a few of the people i trust. I hate it when i trust someone enough to tell them things, but in the blind of an eye, it spreads to people whom are judging me, people who are waiting for me to crumble.

The best thing that's ever happened to me. He's always there for me, he puts up with me, he does the littlest things to keep me happy even if at his expense. He's the miracle in my life, the person who shines a ray of hope in this Whirlpool i call my life. We're going into the 2nd year of our relationship now, and i really hope there are many many many more years to come, for me to spend my life with you ♥.


  1. i think you gave up on school too easily... a future wasted

  2. @Anonymous
    Well, not just mainly because of that. I never really had interest in studying from the start, but i went cause of my friends. Or at least i used to (:.


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